My "Morning Coffee" this morning.
Barf.
There is something about me and doctors ... we just automatically click and get along really well. Every single time I meet a new doctor, they tell me that they wish they had more patients like me. Aww. How sweet. Is it because I'm paying for your child's boarding school tuition, or for your Mercedes that I saw parked out front?
Most people sit down and start rattling off their symptoms and then sneak in their life story somewhere around 20 minutes into the rattling, which is the patients response to a question the doctor never asked in the first place. Sometimes I think people go to the doctors because their family and their co-workers stopped listening to them complain. You have chronic headaches because you're listening to you complain about yourself. Now take some tylenol and stop it.
Before I begin, I have to tell you ... I have been to so many doctors, been in and out of so many hospitals, and have had so many procedures and procedures done, that I've learned to just make the most fun out of these kinds of situations that I can. If you know it's going to suck, at least try and make it fun, right? I must also tell you that this is a true story. No names or quotes have been changed. The quotes are in quotations for good reason.
Today, I had a date with a CAT scan machine. I don't get nervous or scared for doctor visits, procedures, or even surgeries anymore. It's so second nature to me, that it's like going to visit my grandma, minus the twenty dollar bill that gets slipped to me at the end of the visit. I walked into my CAT scan totally prepared. I knew that if you had anything metal in or on you, you had to take it out, or off. I only remember this because when I was little, I had a cat scan done and I had a piece of metal in my eyeball (long story), which was taken out, but when I heard about this psycho metal sucking machine I was being slid into, I freaked out because I wanted my eyeball to be in tact by the time I came out. And I was questioning whether the eye doctor got all of the metal out. I think I remember my mom telling me that I can be a pirate if he didn't get it all out, and it would be fun to be a pirate. So this time, I came totally prepared. I took out my bellybutton and cartilage ring, I took of my arm full of bracelets, and I came dressed in gray leggings, a men's white v neck tee, and a long pink cardigan: metal free. I was metal free and ready to roll.
My name was called, I followed the radiologist into the room where the "magic" would happen. He showed me my "bed", and I sat down. "I have something for you to drink." "Ughh, great. I thought. I JUST literally chugged an entire 450 ml. of orange flavored chalk. I hate you.", I thought to myself, slumped over with the worst possible posture on my pathetic little bed. Chris, my radiologist, walks in with a red cup. "I didn't know we were partyin'!", I said to Chris. "Here's some crystal light and iodine", he said with a smile. "Cheers!" I stare down into the cup. "Well, at least it isn't white chalk.", I thought, happily. I took a sip, with Chris still watching me. My face that I unconsciously made, made him burst out laughing. "You are the worst bartender ever." I said with a cringe on my face. He lost it.
Chris had me lay down on the bed to prep me for my scan. "Head goes here on the pillow, feet go down there." He says, matter of factly. "Is it that obvious that I haven't gotten any sleep this week? I think I actually have forgotten how to use a bed. So thank you for the directions!" I said, half serious, with a totally straight face. It was 11:00am and I had just woken up an hour earlier with no coffee, just white chalk in my system. How was I so on with these jokes? "Stick out your arms, lemme see what kind of veins you brought with you today." I show him my arms. "Take your pick. Nurses tell me that I have the best veins." True story. So he took the arm to his left, closest to him. "Some cold alcohol......wait, this needle is way too big for you. Hang on." So I hang. "I have underwire in my bra, does that matter? Do I have to take it off?", I ask, thanking God I thought of that. "Nah, you should be good. I mean, not unless you have like, super mega lifting steel wire in your bra.", he says, totally joking and not being a perv at all. "Ohh, then I should probably tell you that my underwear has chains and metal heart charms all over it." I said with a dead serious face. Chris loves me as a patient at this point. He's having the best day ever.
We finally get the IV in me. "The IV is for the Iodine that I'll be injecting halfway through the scan." Oh? I had no idea that I would be having more crap pumped into my body. Will I like, glow in the dark after this scan? Because I'm already feeling a little full in the vein/stomach region. You had me tapped out with the chalk you had me chug this morning, followed by an iodine cocktail that sucked.
We're all set, I'm being pushed into the machine. The machine is scanning away, telling me to hold my breath, when to breathe. A robot woman voice owns my life for the next few minutes, allowing me to breathe, and then not breathe. Scary. Then I hear over an intercom, "We're going to inject the iodine now, wait one minute, then scan you again. You might feel a little warm, maybe a little cool, you may get dry mouth. Just relax, it's a side effect that will go away in a few minutes." Cool. I can handle that. Bring it. "Ok, we're injecting it now." Ok, hold on a second. That totally scares me that you can inject something into a person that's in a totally different room than you are. I'm waiting for some cold or hot rush to go through me, like I would imagine a ghost would or something. "Am I scaring you yet?" Chris says. "Nope." I answered. I close my eyes and relax. I eyes shoot open. "Did I just pee my pants?" I thought to myself? I felt my eyeballs shooting from left to right, not sure what to do, where to look, what to say. Is there a camera on me where I can be like, "Hey, Chris, did I pee my pants? Because I think I just did." No no, that'd be way too embarrassing. "This is so horrible." I thought to myself. "I just peed my pants and I'm wearing GRAY leggings. I can't even hide it!!!!" I was freaking out. I still had the peeing feeling. "I just peed my pants. I JUST peed my pants." I couldn't stop repeating, in shame, in my head.
It was finally over. Chris walks over. "Ohhhhh gosh. He's going to say something. This is SO embarrassing." Chris didn't say a thing. I had never been so relieved in my life. "I really thought I peed my pants.", I confessed. "Ohh yea, some people get that feeling." he said, like it was no big deal. "Well I wish you shared that little fun fact with me sooner!!!" I jokingly yelled. "I wish I had more patients like you. You're awesome." Chris said. Cha chiiiiiing. There goes another one.
Chris the radiologist sent me on my way, telling me that my doctor will call me in a few days with the results, and to drink lots of extra fluids for the next 2 days. So, I headed over to Starbucks and instead of the usual tall coffee, got a venti instead. Hey, Chris said it, not me.
Regardless of how "fun" this CAT scan was, I'm not looking forward to another. I'm going to spend my friday/saturday in Philly and then focus on my clothing line ALL weekend. I'm going to need to retire by 27 at the rate I'm going.
Toodles!
P.S. - You all need to listen to Matt Nathanson "Come On Get Higher". No, he's not my friend (gees). I'm just insanely obsessed with this song. It puts me in the best mood ever and drives any though processes to my little love that lives way too far away. :( I hope you love it as much as I do.
