It is currently 41 degrees outside. I received a phone call from the hospital saying that my grandmother has been rushed to the emergency room. I received no details and instant panic, distress depression, sadness and confusion set in in a literal blink of an eye. I suffered the worst panic attack I had ever had earlier this morning. It's been a rough day.Anxious to go to the hospital to find out what was wrong with my 86 year old grandmother I was told to leave without even seeing her first. I was told that my walking phenomena could kill her or other patients in the hospital. I understandably walk out. There was nothing I could do. What if this was the last time I could ever see her? It didn't matter, I was kicked out.
I called my "friend", no answer. He texts me and tells me that he's "too busy". Selfish. I cry. Suddenly I felt so alone, so helpless. Nobody deserves to feel that way. For someone that gives everyone, even people I don't necessarily care for the world - and then some, simply for them to have the feeling of being cared about, and just because I'm a nice person, I sure end up alone, ditched, and turned on a lot. Will that change me? Never.
I go home, and sit outside on my side porch alone. I just start praying. Praying that my grandmother will be ok. Praying that whatever is wrong with her, won't kill her tonight. I can't not say goodbye. Praying that he really DOES care, that he was just being a selfish person and will realize it in an hour or so. Praying that I'm not REALLY alone, that it's just bad timing and I'm taking it all too hard. The feelings from the phone call set in again. I cry.
I'm looking up at the sky, still praying, and I get an overwhelming sense that someone is there with me. God. Although I couldn't hear His voice, I knew that He was telling me that He's there. He's ALWAYS there. And He is going to put me in terrible situations, much like this one. Somehow I smile. And it's not even forced. Trying to ignore my chattering teeth and shaking legs from the cold, I feel an intense warmth in my heart. 'God is here with me', I tink to myself. Then I hear an incredibly loud roaring in the sky. The kind of roaring that you'd hear during a thunder storm, when it's about to get really bad because it's so close when the storm is at it's peak and hovering over your house. Now, I don't live near an airport or anything. THAT was the Lord, telling me that He is here, even if nobody else is.
With prayer still reciting in the back of my mind, I think about this. God is with me right now. And He will always be there. It never ceases to blow my mind when these kinds of things happen. Even though I've slipped up and made some stupid decisions earlier this week, last week, and the week before, He STILL cared about me, He STILL let's me know that I'm on my Christian path to glorify Him. That's all that matters. God's plan is not something I ever try to change. I may slip up and try to take over and do it "my way". But He always wins. Not having control over the situation with my grandmother and my "friend" doesn't freak me out, it makes me feel calm. Life is so much better knowing that the Almighty God is taking control of the wheel through this crazy ride. He can have the wheel. In fact, He can take my license away too. I'll close my eyes and make it through.
This is an incredible feeling. Sometimes it's easy to forget that I'm not living MY life. I'm just living for the Lord. I made that decision and have also vowed to stand by it 100% for the rest of my life. How can I not, when He is willing to stand by me, even when I don't understand what or why He is putting me through these trials.
I pray so hard every single day that the Lord shows me who does and who doesn't belong in my life. And believe me, He has weeded out the good and the bad. Whoever is here now, is deserving enough to know the love that I have for them. I am proud to say that I can count my truest, best, and closest friends on two fingers. To be exact, Julian and Ashley.
Ashley means the world to me. We can relate to every single issue that we go through, it's scary. She is my saving grace, my therapist the one I can blab on and on to for four hours, and she gets it. SHe can put her two cents in and make me make sense of what's going on.
Julian is my life line, literally. If I were to have one friend for the rest of my life, be single for the rest of my life and never know another male on planet earth I would be completely content having him in my life. What an amazing human being. I can swear that I can't get through the day, and he lifts me up. I could not ask for a better friend nor would I dare to.
Three people, God, Ashley, and Julian. I don't need anything else, I don't need anyone else, know that I have those people in my life. I can lose it all tomorrow, and it would still be ok. I would still be perfectly content.
I am fortunate enough to know the Lord personally. And there is absolutely no greaterfeeling than that. To know that I know the Truth, the Way, the Light. I know Jesus. What else do I really need? He has a purpose for the pain, and I'm more than willing to learn any lesson that He is willing to teach me.
No matter what kind of day I've had, I have comfort in knowing that "Everyday is just one day closer to eternity."
